blessed are the peacemakers …

Making peace with myself has been a long walk with a lot of up-and-down. Inclines of being frustrated with who and what i am. Slopes where i could run down the hill with arms spread, laughing. It’s all heading to a more even and balanced place, in which i am able to accept myself but also those who are opposite what i am and those who i cannot understand. The hardest thing to accept is what i cannot understand, so i try to understand people.

Being raised southern baptist and evangelical and then finding home communities among artists and writers who are absolutely not holding on to any of the conservative values you’ve been so sure are right is a good way to start the process of excavating yourself over and over. I’m sure we all do this in some way, but one reason i love cicadas is for the rebirth concept they represent. When the shell they inhabit is too small for their full and flying body, they break open. And they seem to do this in really vulnerable places like on trees where birds could find them, which is loosely what it feels like to change your views to a more progressive set while surrounded by traditional christians. How long can i let my wings dry before they see what i am and swoop down on me? it’s a little dramatic in my case; i haven’t actually ran into many people being aggressive about it, which is largely due to the communities i’m in and the nifty code switching i practice.

looking at how i had to view the people around me a few years ago compared to how i do now, i feel both concerned at what i believed then and concerned at what i believe now because im a turbulent little beast, but dancing between those two negatives is thus ever-flowing peace. I don’t have to think the things i thought. and i don’t have to think what someone else thinks. i am now able to view people i love in a way i don’t feel bad about. i think being uncomfortable thinking the thoughts that my underlying values dictate is a sign that the values need to shift, and shift they have. I don’t worry someone will think my rainbow accessories mean i support ~homosexuality~. i now hope they do. But i try to wear what i like regardless of what someone might read into it, as well. i used to look at other women around me and think, oh, her shirt is not very modest. Now i sometimes dress like those women. you know that noah kahn line? “i stopped caring months ago; since then, it’s been smooth sailing”. in context, the line scares me to death because i can’t stop caring, i gotta get out of here. But out of context, it’s pretty applicable. When you stop caring about certain things as much, parts of life get easier. It’s easier to love your friends “as yourself” when you’re not worrying about whether they’ll marry someone of their same gender and go to hell! if God wants you to love others and lay your worries on him, then i think being upset and worried is the wrong response to someone else doing something your own values don’t align with. This is not peace.

i’m still very frustrated with parts of myself. i don’t manage life tasks well, i don’t remember things i need to, i get really distressed over things that i don’t have when i know i have more than most people. but i am so, so relieved that i am in a place to accept those i love with open arms. i am relieved that i am more willing to understand those i don’t align with, although traditional and conservative groups have been really hard for me to accept this past year. i’m getting there! the best part is that i am ready to accept my own values. for a long time, i deeply felt things in one way, but believed in another.

i am making peace with who i was, who i am, and who i will be. i am making peace with the groups i was born out of and the groups i participate in now. there are a lot of people don’t understand and it is really hard for me to accept people when their thoughts and decisions do not make any sense to me. i am going to make peace with all of them. i am making peace with God, and i sure don’t understand him yet.